I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
She's never going to forget it... Christmas Anal.
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
On a scale of 1 to alcoholic in withdrawal how ready will you be to start drinking as soon as you arrive on campus?
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
Randomize