My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
NO. ANAL IS NOT A GAME.
Basically, I'm sure one day I'll look back on this part of my life and be ashamed....
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
Randomize
