Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
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