i have to go see a new gyno today. he's a male. i just took 3 shots of tequila. its almost like freshman year... drink alcohol, meet a strange man, let him play with my vagina.
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
i cant do it anymore.. every time this girl orgasms she sounds like a motorcycle
Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
Randomize
