nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
I blame it on the rum. It keeps jumpng doqn my throst.
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
Randomize
