you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
FOUR LOKO IS YES. SUNDAY MORNING DRUNK IS YES.
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
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