i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Randomize
