i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
Randomize
