If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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