Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Randomize