I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
Randomize
