he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
you had her IN YOUR BED NO PANTS AND YOU GAVE HER THW BOOT?!?!?!
Stage five clinger bro. had to go.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
