i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
Just found out Brianna Frost the Pornstar goes to my school. Makes that $35,000 tuition that more valuable.
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
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