I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
If drawing me a picture of his dick in draw something is flirting then he is doing it wrong.
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
Randomize