im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
I just made a dick pic collage. Let me just tell you,there is no comparison to the latest!
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize
