Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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