So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
is it fucked up if I wear crotchless panties to thanksgiving to make it easier for me to fuck my cousins friend.
God I love you.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
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