I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
No I am not eating basil off your cock
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
There's even glitter on my cock...
Randomize
