yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
I could give you a full detailed description of 75% of the penises in that room
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
The clothing optional portion of the night began around midnight. Then we did disgusting things to each other. It was beautiful.
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
Randomize