She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
Did I show you my penis last night?
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
Chelsea passed out in the kiddie pool. Just added around 28 boxes of jello powder. Will let you know how it works out
I think I sprained my soul last night
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
