The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
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