What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
I fucking hate humanity. I met a twenty three year old adult with an aol email account today. I'm not sure how those things are related, but I'm sure they are.
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
Randomize
