is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
I need to stop making out with boys in plain view of half my class.
He looked like Harry Potter. I had to do it.
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
Randomize
