hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
And. I know i am a gay man cause when i saw the pic of his cock his feet were in it and i am like what the fuck?
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
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