My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
Randomize
