My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
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