I'm jealous of your bromance
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
oh come on since when have relationships been boundary lines for us
fair point
Wow has his pick up routine ever gotten bad. He is trying to use cheese as a way to flirt with the waitress
Oh man, he played the Harvarti cheese card and it didn't work. Now he is flailing
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
me + whiskey = a bad person
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
Randomize
