On a scale of affliction to ed hardy, how douchy is in there right now?
After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
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