worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
so I think I'm done having sex with her, she's way too crazy
what about the blowjobs for adderall?
no those are still okay
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
No more Irish car bombs ever.
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
Randomize
