The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
just put cider in my bong. gotta love fall
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
Randomize
