I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
I'm pretty sure "Like A Prayer" will forever remind me of drunk nights & pants down around the ankles
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
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