My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
Quick question. How did my clothes end up in your room on your bed and I end up outside your room naked on your couch?
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
Randomize