guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
Am I a whore if I make out with a boy just so michelle can't?
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
This love triangle bullshit is getting out of hand. It's now a love polygon and I want out
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Randomize
