Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
Randomize