So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
she's fucked both of my roommates but not me. i feel like I'm not part of the group anymore
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
Randomize
