And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
Hey Operation Dumbo Drop... FYI, when you select your date this evening, our doorway is 3'x7'
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
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