the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
Randomize
