WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
Well, i'm not sure how that works so i wish both you and your vagina luck on your voyage.
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
i told you i was taking the Metra Train, and you asked what type of drug that was.. so yes i believe you when you say you were fucked up
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize
