Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
Randomize
