I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
this is never going to happen for me, I think he thinks I'm crazy
well you did scream "PLEASE! I'LL S YOUR D IN FRONT OF EVERYONE"
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
Biggg time. I found 2 empty packages of extenze in my car this am.... not sure what that was all about
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
Randomize
