Who do you think planted the wheat? Who do you think cleared the land and killed off the native inhabitants? Women?
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
you made the house rule that every time you'd say "yay" everyone had to drink.
that explains so much
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
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