I cant believe we actually had a nipple party!
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
lets start a news segment called WHY IS LEOS CROTCH BURNING TODAY
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
Randomize
