You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
Even the bartender felt bad for me
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
Actions speak louder than pants.
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
Randomize
