There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
Exactly how low is masturbating to your cute professor's lecture videos?
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
i kinda regret how quickly i gave it up to him, but i just wanted the regular fucking to begin soon. ah we made good memories.
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
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