So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
Goodnight sugar queer
Sugar queer??
Why does my predictive text prioritize 'queer' over 'puffs'?
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
Fun fact of the day the average american will consume 13248 beers in their lifetime.
So for us it's double that?
Precisely.
He was wearing a Knicks jersey I had to go home with him. it was a rough season.
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
Well she started to strip and when she slung her hair at me, she painted my face with sweat. A LOT OF SWEAT. It was a weird boner.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
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