When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
Huh interesting. Well thats too bad. Did he catch on?
I doubt it. After sex he sat there naked until the episode of fresh prince (which had JUST started) was over.
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
I have bruises from doing the splits on the poles, if that doesn't scream bourbon street regret then I don't know what does
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
i just took a huge shit in old main. i think my college bucketlist is finished.
He was gone when I woke up. But he left skid marks on my sheets and our unopened bottle of Titos is missing
New Rule: No more sleepovers with guys we met on Reddit
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