Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
I'm like, not good at living.
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
Randomize