There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
Check Facebook. Random dude tagged us in photos from last night dancing at Denny's while eating a sampler platter. 1. How does he have our names, and 2. You said we ate at Tbell.
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
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