The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
Randomize
