I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
Randomize
