6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
p.s. you have a small clit
YOU ARE THE MOST AWKWARD PERSON ALIVE.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
Randomize
