nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
puked in the new hous. now it's officially home.
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
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