Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
Randomize
