Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
Hooked up with my old baby sitter last night, so what do I do? As I was sucking her tits I decided it would be a good idea to say " goo goo gah gah"....it wasn't a good idea.
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
I've hit an all time low I just sent a boob pict to fat Randall the one I gave a partial bj to a year a a half ago
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
Randomize
