I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
it's just like freshman year of high school, with more drugs
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
I enjoyed our heart to heart in the trunk on the way to the stripclub
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
Randomize
