I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
The class that normally occupies the room we use for my Monday class had to do posters as if for a Hamlet movie and they pick actors for each character and this person wrote "Robert D. Niro"
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
