Will you still be my friend if I read and enjoyed Twilight?
No
hey can you give me head? jesse told me that you're really good
who is this?
jesse's little brother
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
his mom walked in while he was eating me out. and my vag was facing the door. luckily his face was in it.
Randomize
