matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
she takes plan B like it's going out of style
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
good it was pretty cute, also what would bong water do to a puppy?
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
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