That bitch is like a bad destiny's child song.
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
We made a trail of cheez balls so we knew how to get back to te apartment.
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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