there is a time and a place for ass-grabbing and that was not it.
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
The economy cant be that bad, I willingly got fired to bang her again.
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Randomize
